Thank you for your great comments on my last posts! It is relieving to know I’m not the only one experiencing things a certain way. I will admit, though, that I was hesitating about publishing my last post because the topic seemed too … simple.
Whether or not to do something is never an easy decision to make for me. Be it deciding which posts to publish, simply choosing my wardrobe in the morning – should I really combine this dress with the red belt? – or deciding on which field of studies to apply on after finishing school.
Indecisiveness has been hindering me from many chances life offered. Whether is was the summer camp I applied for too late one summer resulting in me still not having been to Italy yet. Or the dress I couldn’t decide buying on right away and which was sold out in every shop when I finally did. However small some of these opportunities were, my grievance about missing them seemed disproportionally large to others. I can’t blame them, though, because my anger deep within wasn’t about the single things but about my failure in making the “right” decision. About being overwhelmed by the choices given, thinking about every tiny consequence possibly resulting for far too long.
While others are jumping at opportunities, having fun and living life, I am stuck in place pondering the pros and cons of a certain decision. What I might miss out on if I attend a fellow student’s party and in the end missing out not only on the one event in question. Rather passing a chance on getting more involved with the whole class. This is not to say I had no friends in university or elsewhere or didn’t get along with my fellow students. But I can’t say I wouldn’t enjoy getting to know the latter a bit better.
Being in recovery from an ED involves yet another huge decision to make every day: What to eat. Every person in my life – from family to friends, my therapist and others – thinks eating as a part of recovery should be amazing. “You’re allowed to eat your heart out and not watch your diet – I wish I could do that!”, is what I get to hear more often than I’d like to. If only it was that easy.
Because really, it’s exactly this freedom offering up too much room for decision. It starts at breakfast at doesn’t end until the last snack at night. While restriction meant cutting out certain foods hence hindering me from trying new recipes now it’s the sheer overflow of delicious looking recipes making me unable to decide. The final result? I’m still sticking mostly to old standby dishes and “favourites” – unsure how much of these are true favourites or only “safe” bets ED makes me stick to. I thought it was logical to be overwhelmed by the large selection of recipes cookbooks and blogs offerend me. But as of late, I find myself wondering whether being overwhelmed isn’t a decision I – or the ED part of me – knowingly make(s).
Most often, I plan on trying a certain new recipe at lunch and then deviate from the plan ending up unsatisfied with either an uninspired veggie mish-mash instead or a dozen small snacks. Why? Well, let’s have a look at today: I worked from 12 to 6 with no break meaning that I was ravenous by the time I came home. Out of the window went the plan of the curry I had meant to try. In came the random bits and bites of everything that seemed semi-appealing. Highly dissatisfying to say the least.
All the while I kept excusing myself. I didn’t feel like standing over the stove for hours whipping up an elaborated dish after a long shift at work or Oh, well, seeing as it’s 6.30 PM already I can just have a snack now since I’ll have dinner soon in anyway. Hence missing out once on an opportunity to try new foods and recipes once again.
But I don’t want to allow myself these lame excuses anymore. After all, there are many people having far busier schedules than me yet still eating properly. All I need is to plan and structure my days better. Because food – and life in general – isn’t waiting for me. It’s about me seizing the opportunities and living life.
Do you find yourself struggling with decisions or do you have an easy time choosing between options?
Whether you have/had an ED or not: Is it difficult for you to decide on what to eat at times? Do you find yourself in food ruts or constantly try new recipes?
Are there any tips you have for food planning on busy days? Do you plan meals in advance for the week?
I’m looking forward to hearing your experiences and tips!