Less than a week left until I start working full-time – from nine till six. Why am I mentioning this detail? For one because it’ll change my current routines a lot. No more doing my grocery shopping at any time I like, no more going on walks whenever I please, no more leisurely eating my lunches in comfy home atmosphere. [Just to point this out: I’m not trying to make working life look like the most horrendous thing out there and there are aspects I’m looking forward to. It’ll just be a huge change for me and I’m generally taking time to adapt to changes.]
Mostly, though, the way how I’ve been spending these past days and weeks has been on my mind. In regards of feeling like I hadn’t made the most of the superfluous time I’ve been blessed with.
The feeling of not making the most starts small for me already. Always wanting to put special purchases – think: a fancy new dress or more expensive or hard-to-find foods – to the best use possible. Not wearing the dress today because there might be a better occasion [and then postponing its first appearance for ages]. Or spending too much time pondering on how to best use a certain ingredient. Sometimes so long that it eventually goes bad before I get around to using it. Clearly something I need to work on though it’s been getting better. But I digress …
When people kept asking about my grand plans to effectively fill the period in between the end of my studies and work I – blanked. I’m well aware they weren’t asking with any hidden motives or trying to put pressure on me – yet I felt like that. Yes, it’s true. I didn’t book any vacation or tried to squeeze in one last big adventure before entering the “real world”. Granted, it’d have been nice to meet friends I hadn’t seen in a while again. But with most of them studying or working, too, and in other counties with different times off at that, we ended up not being able to find dates that fit with everybody’s’ schedule. A trip to Berlin was high up on the list of things I’d wanted to do, too, but my mum – traveling companion of choice – cancelled and nobody else was up for it. Additionally, if you’ve ever had an ED or travelled with somebody who did you might now that ED doesn’t make a nice travel companion. At times, it can turn the fun down to lowest possible and up the anxiety to the max. Not what you’d want to expect somebody who hasn’t dealt with this before –read: my friends – to endure.
Disappointing others is something I try to avoid at all costs and I feel like I did by not making the most of all the time I had while many others didn’t. Yet, even if others expected me to pack up my bags and travel – where would be the sense in it if I wasn’t feeling [comfortable with] it? You travel for yourself, not for others. Add in that – while I genuinely enjoy Even though I know people who genuinely find joy in exploring places all on their own I’m not one of them. In case you’re wondering what I did end up doing: reading, cooking, wandering around, some work for my parents. In short: a whole lot of relaxing.
In terms of food I’d been meaning to get a lot more adventurous: try new recipes, cook and eat with my family, eat out. Seeing how long this post has already become I won’t go into details here. It’s another topic for a whole different post.
Once again, though, I’m taking it as a learning experience. Lots of time and my lack of time management as well as anxiousness keep me from making the most of now. Knowing this, I’ll have to challenge myself on future occasions. Because I truly want to live – not loose even more time.
Happiness inducing today: Talking to a good friend who helped me sort out my head in terms of the above chaos a little.
Have you ever felt like you weren’t making the most of something when you felt you had to?
Do you have any ideas on how to challenge myself to become more daring bit by bit? It seems ridiculous to ask but I’m serious about this. Sometimes it can be hard for me to see the obvious and I need others to point it out to me.