I’m not sharing details about my recovery journey on a daily – or even weekly – basis because that’s not my intention for this blog. Focusing on my progress would be like limiting my posts to food and fitness: there’s so much more to life and my interests than that. However, one of the great things about blogging is that it lets us look back. Back at who we were. Or – because it’s Wednesday: Back at how we ate. Yes, it’s not all about our diets but like I said there’s the weekly exception of all out food talk on What I ate Wednesday. That’s why I decided reflect on some old habits and food fears today. Celebrating the deliciousness of good food sans negative thoughts with Jenn.
Back in the day... I posted pictures of casseroles that I called ‘Green Monsters’. The only monster part about them was how they made my poor stomach feel: attacked by a fiber monster. It’s been only recently that I started to fully enjoy the combinstion of grenens, cheese and – grains. Actually, it was an anonymus comment from one of those old posts that had stuck with me since. These days I can admit that yes, I clearly feared having both carbs [grains] and fat [cheese] in one meal. I was cheating myself into thinking the piles of vegetables with a sprinkling of vegan cheese satisfied me.
Now I’m glad I rediscovered how much more satisfying a nice mix of grains, greens, beans and melty cheese is. Does anybody else prefer to mix most of the cheese into the dish rather than on top? I like to be surprised by where the cheese is hiding and it melts better. Yes, I’m weird. Simply agree with me that cheese is key. (: Another thing that’s key? Snacking.
Back in the day I ate exactly the same snacks every day. Trying a new or – insert panic – additional snack? It wasn’t happening. Anything that meant going over my calorie ‘budget’ for the day was dangerous. Needless to say I wouldn’t have tried something like GiGi’s Birthday Cake Balls – and then proceeded to eat them all by myself within… a short time.
Back in the day I was afraid of using any additional fat aside from the nut butter I ate. Cleaning up my pantry right now I stumbled upon several cans of coconut milk hiding in the back. Coconut milk I’d bought because I longed for it yet never dared to actually use it. Coconut butter has been a favourite forever but it was something about the liquid part of coconut milk that scared me. Liquid calories were more fleeting, scarier than the solid, saturating ‘butter’.
Now… I’m not surprised to say it’s good but I was probably surprised by just how awesome it was having it again after such a long time.
Back in the day… I was afraid of the sugar in storebought ‘desserts’ . More than two pieces of dark chocolate – eaten at a specific time – were not allowed.
Now I don’t count sugar anymore and just trust in my cravings [and my sugar-sensitive skin but it’s been forgiving]. I know I have a sweet tooth but also that I will naturally long for some greens again after more sugar than usual. Half a bar of chocolate in one day? It happens. It’s totally okay and normal. Most importantly: it just tastes good.
Reading these post from months and months ago I remember how much stronger my fears were back then. How much tighter the grip of my ED still was. Looking back it’s almost sad to read my own words and know the insecurity I felt. But then again it’s the past. It was part of the journey and even though it seemed almost impossible to move on at that time I did. Writing all of this is not to boast with how far I’ve come but actually more of a reminder to myself when I’m struggling and hopefully encouragement to others in recovery. For me, following – and exchanging mails with – bloggers who were further in recovery or had overcome their EDs already has been and is a source of inspiration. Recovery can be hard but it is possible.
Happiness inducing today: Not overthinking a rather huge [monetary-wise] decision I had to make. I’m slowly working on that habit.
Stay in touch!
Whether you’ve struggled/ are struggling with an ED or not: Do you have any certain food habits?
Have you tried any new foods lately? Which?