Dear Kate Moss [What skinny really feels like]

Dear Kate Moss,

Rumor has it you once felt the need to share this questionable piece of wisdom with the world:

Not to get all grammar-nerdy on you but I feel we also need to get this error out of the way first – because it makes a notable difference: skinny is  not a feeling. It’s a physical state of being and as such pre-destined to be temporary. The colours in artworks fade. Houses go rack and ruin. Bodies change, get wrinkles, loose their youthfulness. Happiness on the other hand won’t fade.

Been there, done that. And I know what skinny is like.

Skinny feels and looks like

… turning on the radiator in the office and giving a stank eye to anybody who dares opening the window because you’re freezing.

… not feeling anything besides the ruthless cold when outside on a winter day.

… constantly missing something. Not just food.

… envying people who just go out and about their days, not limited by their exercise or food routine.

… faint at times when you decide an hour on the elliptical – pre-breakfast, obviously, because that’s what magazines tell you – doesn’t cut it.

… trying to think clear through the fog in your brain.

… walking through your day unaware of the beauty in the little things you don’t notice thanks to said foggy state of mind.

Flower

… memories of counting down the minutes until the next ‘meal’ you allowed yourself even if it only contained of a low-fat pudding cup. That you ate over the course of an hour so the waiting period until the next meal wasn’t too long.

… knowing how much you hurt your family and friends who see you struggle and want to help but can’t.

… the desire to make it all stop. Just wake up the next morning and join everybody else in their  [at least food-wise] free-spirited ways.

… exhaustion. Constant exhaustion and overwhelm.

… the excruciating pain of toes and fingers gone numb after a walk out in the cold and then slooowly warming up again inside. If you’ve never experienced this: trust me it hurts like crazy. And then some.

… #hangrybitch. 24/7.

… the constant desire to get that something missing from your life. And we’re not talking about food only.

Thinking-Out-Loud

What skinny most definitely lacks: the feeling of happiness.  Light-heartedness. The brain capacity to think [out loud and elsewise] properly.

Given the choice between the dreaded weight gain, discomfort of eating ‘too much’, struggles and occasionally not resisting temptation to click on that link I know I shouldn’t: I’d still forego skinny for happy any day. And for chocolate. Nut butter.

Kate,

I sincerely hope you won’t wake up one day – maybe once your career is over and an even skinnier girl has taken over – and wonder where life went. Skinny might have the momentary thrill and starving can give the current high [that you’re still seeking in certain illegal substances but I digress]. But at the end of our lives what counts more than our weight are the days, weeks and years lived making happy [and delicious] memories. I know I’ve missed out on too many moments already and . What about you?

 

Happiness-inducing today: A friend of mine getting accepted for a job she’d applied for.

 

Stay in touch!

Twitter: @MissPolkadot21
Pinterest: MissPolkadot21
Bloglovin’: Let’s get living

 

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47 thoughts on “Dear Kate Moss [What skinny really feels like]

  1. GiGi Eats Celebrities says:

    So I have been told I am a thin/petite girl… And guess what, salmon and sardines and scallops and squash (ha ha ha ha all S foods) taste SOOOOO FREAKING GOOD… If they are what “petite” tastes like then HECK YES! – LOL!

  2. Amanda @ .running with spoons. says:

    Beautiful post, girl ❤ You know I can most definitely relate to all of these feelings, and it's a good feeling to be able to say that there's no part of me that misses being at that point. I'm not willing to give up freedom and happiness just to be able to fit into a smaller pair of jeans. Life's too short. And food too good!

  3. Ms.J says:

    Oh this hits me right in the centre of my soul. The depths of winter undeniably emphasises the horribleness that skinny “feels”. I remember having to quit venturing out in the early mornings to feed the horses..my body just could not take it. And the brain fog? Don’t get me started…its why I can’t actually approriately recall the 4 years before the last 2. There are many pronounced instances that I can reflect on – but for the most part; the day to day life feels like it never happened.
    I adore the thinking out loud that your nourished brain brings us 🙂 .

    • Miss Polkadot says:

      Your memory reminds me of another point to add to that never-ending list: The pursuit of skinny keeps us from our dearest hobbies. I’ve always been a book worm but at my worst could hardly focus on an article in the newspaper. It’s a sad memory but all the more reason to stick with recovery.
      … and I adore the wonderful mails your brain and heart deliver to my inbox. (:

  4. swissfitchick says:

    Hell yes. How do I NOT miss these times. I can not even get my mind on how much freaking better my life is without this godamn obsession. I have SO much space for real life, real energy, real friends, real food and real happiness now that ‘it’ left me. And – I look about 5 years younger than my skinny past.

    • Miss Polkadot says:

      That’s so true about the age versus appearance. I’ve seen anorexia in old women before and it looks scary. To the other extreme, skinniness can make young people look even younger – in a negative way.
      Major yay for real life as opposed to merely existing.

  5. Jen @ Chase the Red Grape says:

    Wow. Amanda shared this on Twitter and I just had to click – simply wow.
    You got it spot on, like you were me, my head, writing it all down. As much as it hurts that someone else went through the exact same as me, it is also a comfort – knowing I am not alone and this path to recovery is worth it – you reminded me of my past and I am determined for it to stay there. Skinny is for the past – now I choose health 🙂

    • Miss Polkadot says:

      Skinny is for the past – now I choose health. – This is making me so happy to hear, Jen! Thank you for your comment. In a way I wrote this as a reminder for myself. A reminder that I want all of these things to – many of them do already – become faint memories of the past. I’m not completely there myself yet but starving or going back is not an option.

  6. Run Wright says:

    Interesting post. It’s my first time on your blog and I don’t mean to offend but are you assuming that skinny = starving to stay skinny? I don’t know why but I didn’t get that from the quote. I’ve always thought it was about saying no to overindulgence, not eating for basic nutrition.

    • Miss Polkadot says:

      Thanks for making your point here. I’m not a native speaker so I might be wrong in my assumptions. However, I’d seen many pro-ED sites using Kate’s quote as a ‘thinspiration’ hence the negative perception. I’d yet to hear anybody use skinny as a physical description of a healthy state.

  7. To Live With All My Might says:

    Thank you for this! This quote disturbs me SO MUCH every time I see it and I’m so glad you addressed it.

  8. Almost Getting It Together says:

    Great post! It is really awful when you feel jealous of everyone who is free of food-anxiety. I mean, I still deal with that but I am a petite girl with Mediterranean genes – a good metabolism is not on my side. BUT being able to eat things and not stress over food and all that feel so much better than being 97 pounds.

  9. Tiff says:

    Lovely post! Yes, there will always be someone skinnier out there, but happier? Happiness can be shared by all. Let yourself be happy, and let others feed and grow off of it!

  10. livitant says:

    this is incredible. as someone who suffered from anorexia, this rings so true. all the things you don’t realize at the time, but are so hurtful to yourself and the people around you. thank you for sharing this.

    • Miss Polkadot says:

      True. It’s crazy to realize later on how deeply entrenched our every thought was in the disorder not seeing what we actually did. I’m not over it completely yet but can see a lot more clearly already.

  11. Lex says:

    a wonderful, honest post. I spent much of my teen years in a starvation fog so it’s interesting to hear it articulated by someone else. thanks for sharing!

  12. In it for the Long Run says:

    Wow, this is both heart breaking and empowering. I couldn’t agree more. So many people have expressed what I would want to say, but just know that this post and your writing is part of a big puzzle that’s pushing us all in the right direction ❤

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